Lessons I learned about insecurity that grows on up into serenity
Early in my walk I wanted to learn how to live in a way that pleased God. I thought on it deeply as I set out with God after I had surrendered my life. I knew I was loved, however, I felt very insecure about my identity in him. Daily I wrestled with fear of making mistakes and falling back.
I knew the word said “The man who judges himself will not be judged” But, I wasn’t wise as to how to do that. I was surrounded by his favor but I had never realized the fulness of truly confident trust. I always felt that I was missing it and really didn’t know how to recognize the things I was doing, or not doing, to make me confident in my position in God. I saw where Jesus said his disciples were clean because they had allowed him to wash their feet but that made no sense to me. (Later I saw that it’s a position of trust and intimacy with him that we have to find. You have to get close for someone to wash feet)
Later I saw a scripture that said we could reckon ourselves dead to sin but alive unto God. That was amazing to me but I didn’t feel that way. I didn’t feel all that victorious. Yet, all this time God was doing wonders all around me. I’m talking about how God is perfect when we are not. His mercy kept chasing me down and it carried me while my mind was trying to catch up.
The one day a word from a prophet I love came and ministered to my peace. It was a simple word. It talked about God’s “moment by moment refinings” It was a reassurance I needed. I realized that in his process healing was always going on. Moment by moment he was watching over me with healing love, not accusation and guilt. It was a freeing light that made a difference. I was thinking it was all up to me to know when I had made a mistake that I needed to repent of. I was frustrating his grace by my self effort. That was wearing me out. Worry wearied me.
God was so good to me. He sent me a strong mentor and set me on a new path. I saw in him a depth of God knowledge I needed. He had a depth of experience about growing past the things that we have to get beyond. He was so faithful to love and encourage e.
We grow out of things as we pass our faith tests. We transistion. We upgrade. We go from a level of faith into a new faith.
Finally I discovered a new depth of trust. It was my act of going to God in trust in the blood covenant. No matter how lost I often felt. Self defeat. Self blame. But soon through fatherly love healing came. God showed me that because our hearts are open to receive his word we can rise up in the spirit of our mind. Our minds can be water washed in prayer devotions. The mind is renewed to the word and we are mad new. Stronger in our position in our Father and more confident in our calling and giftings.
But I had to set my resolve to agree with his way. I got over self, I made Jesus my best friend. You see, the mind is a battlefield. But if we give our burdens to him he is our champion. We grow into the practice of living life in his word. We co-labor with Holy Spirit in casting down the vain imaginations which come to exalt themselves against the reality of who God is. The sure certainty of his faithfulness. The blessed assurance of his redeeming graces. Jesus is grace and truth and He is our defender; because we are his, because we belong to him and Jesus will never forsake his own. We make him our refuge. He tells us who we are and frees us from insecurities about our identity. Aligned more with the right way of thinking. His presence is our place of quiet retreat.
I hope this might shine a light for someone who is a lover of truth but is wrestling with identity issues.